Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Dreams and Fantasies

Right, so today a friend of mine, yun zhen, told me the details to her ‘disturbing’ dream from Tuesday morning. She did tell me a bit, just the rough idea of what she dreamt of on Tuesday but she didn’t spare me any details. So today, when we were alone in the car, I told her straight

“ok, tell me what did you dream about yesterday morning”

To which she burst laughing and said

“it’s nothing wan la. I just dreamt that we were all playing about then Ru Er suddenly lied down on the floor and you went and hovered over her and kissed her”

And I’m like

“OMG WTF!!!!!”

And she burst laughing…

Ok, initially when she told me the rough idea of what her dream was, I was thinking “ok? O.o so you dreamt about us two being lesbians..mm hmm…” and then when she told me the full story, I was thinking

“oh god…that’s like so impossible and so fanfic-ish and so ‘one of my wildest dreams’ scenario”

Because honestly, I have a little crush on her (the one who I kissed in the dream) and I was like thinking ‘wow, did my feelings got transmitted to my friend and she dreamt about it?’ lols

And I can’t stop replaying what the dream was. I mean, it was so fanfic-ish!! I mean, in a SNSD fanfic of course, I don’t know about the rest. And that dream’s scenario really is, like..gosh I hope I don’t sound like a complete weirdo for saying this..i would be totally ecstatic if it could happen to me in real life.

But of course I won’t. I won’t risk our friendship which I have so carefully built in the past year and a half over some silly infatuation. I was very careful with her, mainly because I don’t want her to think that I’m weird or stuff like that.

In the beginning when she just joined our group in first year, I talked to her more, well considerably more if you compared me to the rest. It’s because I know how it feels like to join a new group and how terrible it would feel like when the original ‘members’ talk among themselves and not include you in the conversation. I know how it feels. If they leave you out after some time, it’ll already be too late to join another group because they would’ve established their own clique and it’ll be a bit impossible to make room for you in their group.

So yea, I talked to her a lot because I didn’t want her to feel left out. I invited her to our meals and introduced her to the rest of the members of our usual hang out group. They all accepted her and she made effort to fit in to our little nonsensical group. It also helped that she’s really outgoing and she’s a talkative person, so she made herself at home with us in no time at all.

She has her own secrets, I have mine. I never pried into her business and she didn’t pry into mine. We respected each other, never asking more than what was given. I’m sure it was also the same with the others. She would tell me all sorts of stories about her high school life while I would listen. I had nothing to tell. For a boring person like me, I’d be glad to listen to whatever you have to say. For a quiet person like me, a loud and talkative person like her would be a perfect companion for me.

At first when I saw her, I thought she was rather cute, to say the least. I met her during the first or was it the second week of class. A friend of mine introduced her to us and we exchanged names etc. I didn’t think much of her then. After the new years about 2weeks later, I met her while I was on my way to class, she was struggling to cycle up a slope while I just went by her quickly. But she almost hit me when her front tyre suddenly turned to the right unsteadily. We avoided the accident, thank goodness. She shouted “sorry!!” while I turned around for a bit and said “oh it’s ok”.

It was when we were at the parking lot when she bumped my bike from behind, I looked back and I saw her smiling apologetically at me saying “hey, I’m really sorry about just now” and I answered “oh it’s ok”. At that time, I still haven’t really processed who she was. It wasn’t till later after we left the parking lot that I remembered who she was. I felt really bad for not remembering her.

Who would’ve known a year later we would be good friends. We learnt a lot about each other. She learnt my eating habits while I learnt about her whining habits. We’ve opened up to each other a lot more compared to half a year ago. I would say the event that helped with this is the fact that we both failed Costing and had to repeat the sub last semester, bringing the two of us closer.

I don’t know when these so-called feelings developed. I’m not even sure if it’s love. All I know is that I obviously care for her more than the rest and I’m very biased towards her. I like having her around and I enjoy her company to the fullest, even if it’s just us two sitting there doing nothing in silence. I like having her around and I think I act very differently when she is around and not around. I’m quieter when she’s not. It’s painfully obvious and I can’t help myself.

I’m hopelessly in love with somebody who will never love me back the same way.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I have somebody that i like

I have somebody that I like,

But I cannot tell that person my feelings

Because it is out of the norms

Because the person I like is a girl

I’m not sure of my feelings yet

But I really do like her

I can never tell her that

She has a boyfriend

And she’s slightly homophobe

We talk, we laugh, we share funny stories about ourselves

I enjoy her company a lot

And I think she enjoys mine too

I cannot imagine being invited to her wedding in the future

That is, if she invites me at all

I cannot bear to see her marrying another man

If only I were a boy

I’d fight for her

I can still fight for her

But it is a battle I’m sure to lose

Because this isn’t a fanfic

Not everybody approves of this sort of love

So I guess

Just having her around me for the next two years would be fine

I’m contented with this arrangement

I almost cried thinking that she’s never mine

I’m fine with just being friends

At least I’m able to be with her

I’m sure I won’t forget this

I mean

Who forgets their first college crush?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Its not that bad..

So with the recent failure, I can say I’m taking it quite well. In fact, I’m thinking that others are taking it worst than me, the fact that I had failed my paper for the first time in a final exam.

When the screen popped up the first thing I did was hit the ‘end’ key on the keyboard since the results are at the bottom of the page and that’s when I saw the letter F staring right back at me. It didn’t shock me as much as I thought it would. Heck, I wasn’t upset at all. My mood was a bit down and I didn’t want to talk about the failure but I wasn’t upset.

Of course it hurts a bit when I see my friends celebrating on FB with posts like ‘thank gooness! All pass’ or ‘yes! Maintained CGPA 3.***’ thanks to that F my CGPA has now dropped from 3.2 to 2.7 and it’s not going to be easy getting that 3 back.

So just to recap, I am not upset. Honestly it may be hard to believe but come on, let’s get real. It’s just an F. you don’t expect me to be dramatic and drop on my knees pounding the floor going ‘NO!!!! I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS!!!’ right? haha

So I’ll just do better next time =]

Monday, September 19, 2011

Hello At Last

The reason why the post is titled as such is because I haven't been here in a very long time (if you would check the time difference between this and the previous post). In my lonesomeness I have returned to my original sanctuary, the place where all my rants are kept and emotions run through the course of time and through the words I have carefully placed.

***

I’ve never been so alone before, not even back in secondary after the occasional fights with people in my circle of friends.

I don’t know when it started but I’m sure partially it is my fault I’m like this now because I have the tendency to shut people out from my comfort zone and once they are out, I don’t let them back in. my comfort zone is a place where I feel comfortable with them and those awkward silences don’t exist.

There are many layers and these new found friends are mostly on the outer layers while some has managed to breach into the inner layers of the zone. Yea I know this theory sounds ridiculous but hey, I’m not exactly the most logical person you’ll ever know.

Anyway, so as I said earlier I am alone and I don’t like this kind of alone. This sort of alone isn’t the normal ‘being by yourself’ kind of alone but the ‘there’s nobody there for you to go to’ kind of alone. Am I making any sense?

I’m serious; there is nobody that I can turn to now. The only friend I have left in this house has gone back and she didn’t even bother to knock on my door to say goodbye (I’m a bit hurt by that). The only childhood friend whom I’m quite close left 3months ago and the other childhood friend whom I’m quite close to doesn’t give a damn about how I am doing.

My new friends? Well, they don’t have time for me. The one who usually accompanies me suddenly isn’t in the mood to go out and eat. Another seems to have forgotten all about us, being too busy with her boyfriend. The others have family members like sisters and cousins here with them so they already got their company.

And don’t get me started on my housemates. One is too busy with her boyfriend, another has a sister, while the other three (I call them Ms Sour Face and her two minions) are family so they are pretty much a clique, just the three of them and to be honest, I don’t really like them anyway so I’ll stay clear from them.

So this leaves me here, all alone. Is this what I get for not going with the flow and study in KL? Is this what I get for making a different choice and chose to study here instead of in KL?

Is this how it feels like to be all alone?

Monday, May 16, 2011

See You There

Hey guys, we're moving =]


see ya there =]

Thursday, March 31, 2011

We're Moving =]

Will I abandon this place? This place which is my so-called sanctuary, will I leave this and never come back? Who knows? Perhaps I will when I’m done and ready to move on.

Over the months, this place has been the place where I let almost everything out. Due to some issues, I cannot rant about everything that happened in my daily live here. I don’t want to offend anybody online.

So through this page I have learnt a lot of things during my time as a blogger here, mostly about how to edit the page and such.

I am very thankful for the support that my readers have given me through their comments, thought I really wish that they would comment more often and avoid silent reading. Reading comments always make my day especially the ones by my close friend. Through comments, I can learn what my mistakes are and what the readers think about the post. People do comment, but most of the time they leave me messages like ‘leaving my mark to prove that I was here’ and not really commenting on the post. I don’t really like that a lot.

Anyway, it seems that I have strayed from my original point of this post. I have said earlier that I will leave this place once I am done and ready to move on.

Well, I am just that. I am done with this place and am ready to move on to some place new. I won’t be deleting this if some of you are thinking because I want this to be my own museum. A place where I can come back once in a while and re-read all the silly posts I’ve made.

This won’t be the end of my blogging days though, I’m just moving on from here to another place, like moving from one house to another.

I’ll see you guys in my new ‘home’ from now on. And no, this is not an early April Fool joke.

Want the link? Haha guess it, here’s a hint : it’s a secret =]

Monday, March 28, 2011

Chinese 101

Never in a million years would I had imagine this to happen. A product of boredom and also 2 really crazy friends.

So what do you think? My Google Translate skills choon le...kekeke and of course, I can read the words ok...